nevertheless i should at least give you something to think about since i’m meant to incarnate myself among humanity.  but since these questions are boring to me, i thought i would pose myself a different question (i got awfully good at this type of rhetorical maneuvering with those pharisees).  my question to myself is: why am i cooler than all the other jesuses?

the answer to that can go in any number of directions, but since i am infallible and perfect, i will choose the correct direction.  the direction i choose to go in is that of my good friend david lettermen and provide a top ten list for you (as a side note, dave’s top ten list is a complete rip-off of pop’s work on sinai, but i have taken the posture of forgiving and forgetting, so let’s move on with it).

010.  i am the jesus of churches with really cool names.  no longer will you have to invite your friends to some lame place called “first presbyterian” or “grace methodist.”  instead you can ask them if they want to hit up “solomon’s porch” or “the journey.”  this will also give you a certain amount of street cred as your church’s name could just as easily be the name of a local bar.

009.  you know those old school pictures of “jesus” with long flowing hair, rosy cheeks, and blue eyes (you know, the one who looks like he could get beaten up by your aunt mildred?)…that’s not me. i’m known to have two different kinds of wardrobes.  first, when i hang out with rob bell i wear a black sweater vest, black rimmed glasses, and chucks.  second, when i hang out with shane claiborne i wear a hemp hoodie, jeans from the salvation army, and a pair of toms shoes.  as my little buddy paul once said, it’s about becoming all things to everyone…except he left out the part that excludes fundies.  the only thing i become to fundies is their worst nightmare.

008.  i drink beer.  listen, i know some christians have a problem with the hooch, but they have it all wrong.  i turned water into wine when the party was getting lame (as a side note, i wanted to turn it into guinness stout, but pops told me that arthur guinness already had a copyright on it…apparently copyrights are retroactive from the foundation of the world.  this, subsequently, became my greatest argument against the doctrine of predestination).  the “jesus” you normal see in pictures (see 009) would have turned the water into shirley temples.  i went with the real deal and now the wedding at canaan has gone down in history as an epic party.  i don’t remember any epic party that featured shirley temples, do you?

007.  my homeboys, emergent pastors, don’t just speak on sunday. they go on tours.  forget lame fundy “pastor’s conferences” where a bunch of kjv toting grumps get together and talk about exegesis.  it’s all about packing out a stadium to hear rob bell do anything but exegesis.  they also serve beer at many of these venues (see 008), so it’s a win-win!

006.  i don’t worry about “theology” or “doctrine” or “truth.”  any idea is welcome because i am open-minded and intelligent.  fundies get their dress socks in a tangle whenever anyone disagrees with something they say. not me.  if your idea or belief is especially interesting, i usually buy your next round (see 008).

005.  i don’t yell or scream or get into arguments.  in fact, i don’t even use capital letters when i write because they seem too dogmatic.  only fundies use capital letters because they think capital letters are “correct” or “proper” or “follow the rules of the english language.”  i’d rather re-imagine what the concept of “capital” means in our 21st century, westernized world.

004.  i don’t care what you wear.  so many fundies are all worried about looking good and wearing three piece suits because they are in “the lord’s house.”  forget about the fact that pop’s house is the entire cosmos, no one wants to be worshiped by people while they are uncomfortably fidgeting with their collar or dress socks.  it takes their focus off being missional.  people can wear whatever they want when coming to one of my churches…as long as its not a three piece suit.  we are welcoming and affirming…except for when it comes to fundies and their “sunday best.”

003.  we don’t have “question and answer” time at my churches.  instead, we have “question and question” time.  it’s usually called the “sermon,” but sometimes we call it a “conversation.”  we are all about asking questions and exploring the bible as people who are following me.  answers simply lead to stagnation of creativity and foster defensive statements (like the ole fundies).  if history has taught us one thing it’s that nothing gets done by answering questions.  it’s all about asking questions and always being open to new questions.  imagine what life would have been like if alexander fleming answered the question he had about the mold on his bread instead of simply questioning and re-imagining the nature and essence of moldiness?  wait…that example didn’t quite prove what i was going after, but you get my point.

002.  emergents know about my jewish roots, which allows them to sound cooler when they are talking about the bible.  nothing sounds cooler then throwing out some harsh guttural sounds when talking about the gospel of matthew.  it also allows them to do some cool things that are found in judaism, like not using vowels when writing the name of g_d, reading the apocrypha, and reading medieval rabbis.  that’s actually the reason i preached the gospel, died, and rose again.  it wasn’t so people would read the bible and preach the gospel, it was so they could read other second temple jewish texts and medieval rabbis while simultaneously adopting superstitious writing practice.

001.  the final reason i am the coolest jesus is because i’m all about you.  i don’t care what you believe, what you do, what you wear, or anything else.  i just want you to be comfortable and have fun in life.  i wish that my homeboys back in the day would have grasped onto this concept.  peter went a little overkill by being crucified upside down and the early church went overboard with their martyrs.  if only they realized that i am all about conforming to culture instead of just fighting against it.  i’m glad that the emergent church finally figured it out…even if it took nearly 2,000 years!

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